My Metal Heart

My heart aches for what once was

though I wouldn’t change a thing about today

the longing is still there, a remnant of days gone by

and I can’t help but wonder…

There was a time of freedom and not much responsibility

when all that mattered was the music

we lived and breathed the music ~ it was a lifestyle

There was the excitement of youth

when each day was brand new and anything could happen

The spontaneity and hope; starry eyes and puppy love, and what we thought was real love

Days were something to endure while we waited for the night to come

That’s when the magick happened:  our hearts free to explore; an open book 

waiting to be written;

attractions so magnetic – highly charged and bittersweet

because somehow, we knew this couldn’t last

Life happens.  

Like going to sleep and waking up in a different world

What we call maturity is somehow a gain and a loss all at once;

you can get disoriented along the way

Society telling us we should look like this, live like that, own this, pray for that

Frustration mounts, comes to a head

and we suddenly know what we must do

what matters

A plan forms in the very depths of our hearts

because there are still those among us who have stayed true to theirs

an inspiration greater than all

waiting in the wings to be wholly and completely embraced once again

by the metal hearts who have decided ~ it’s high time.

If you are living a lie, then you are wasting time because you are merely a shell

of what you should truly be

Because what really matters is what is in your heart

and to that you must stay true

 

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Synchronicity, Death Angel, and The Moth

This past September, I was able to let go of some old resentments and feelings that I had blocked out, but they were weighing me down.  These old feelings literally had their hold on me for YEARS and were family related.  Walking outside one evening next to a beautiful forest this amazing feeling of peace just settled over me.  I won’t go in to the whole thing here, but a quick summary would be to say that I was always treated like the “black sheep” of the family.  When I started a family of my own, I had thought things would change but they never did.  I took this as a fresh insult when it wasn’t.  Since I had always been a little neglected and ignored by the family, this was nothing new at all.  I think being out in nature and walking helped me to clear my mind enough to realize this.  This happened in the month of September 2016.

death-angel

I love music; I like the heavy stuff; I needed something new.  Enter Death Angel – I discovered this band via Music Choice television within the last several months and thought they sounded great.  While they seemed new to me, I discovered that they actually had their start back in the 80’s and had appeared on Headbanger’s Ball on MTV, which could be why they also seemed familiar to me.  I was a big fan of Headbanger’s Ball back then so just maybe I’d seen them, although I’m not sure.  About a month ago, I checked the schedule for a local club in our area, Club L.A.  Anthrax would be playing there very soon and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t heard this advertised on the radio or something!  I was just very glad that I’d stumbled across it online, especially since I rarely check the schedule for this place.  A few days go by.  I hadn’t bought tickets for the show yet, even though I was planning on it, but had decided to pop back on the website with the show schedule.  All of a sudden I see that Death Angel is now listed with Anthrax!!  Now I am super excited about the show!  Of course I buy tickets really soon after.

Day of show –Thursday (Sept. 29, 2016).  I don’t know how to describe this day other than that it was a bad day at work.  I’m an empath and a people pleaser and thus get stepped on a lot, go through lots of emotional turmoil, and I had just about had enough.  I was even randomly and very upsettingly googling the best cities for single women to live in (I’m married).  One that kept coming up was San Francisco.

On to the concert.  That night I got ready very quickly to go.  I still wasn’t in a very happy or “pumped up” mood like I would normally have been.  Even so, I managed to find a cute outfit very quickly and just got ready.  We debated on what time to leave the house since I wasn’t able to find out when Death Angel was going on stage over the phone.  We ended up getting there about 8:30 pm (I think) and the place was packed.  But our timing couldn’t have been better.  We no sooner got through all the check in stuff (which was pretty extensive), found a place to stand, and got a couple of beers when Death Angel walked onto the stage!

The show was fantastic – Death Angel even better than I would have imagined!  Later, as we were watching Anthrax, I bought an autographed poster of theirs.  It was near the end of Anthrax’s performance and we were standing toward the back of the club.  You could still see the stage very well from here.  Suddenly, there is Death Angel singer (Mark Osegueda) standing very near to us talking to some other people.  When our eyes met, the only thing I could think of to say was, “I bought your poster!”  (what a dork I am!).  But he looked right at me and said, “Ah – thank you!” and proceeded to give me this very, very nice (even kind of long) hug!  I was elated!  I’m sure Mark has no idea what an impact that hug had on me.  He may give out hugs like that all the time, but it literally made my whole day, week, month, maybe even year!

Since then, I have done my homework about the band.  That night I hadn’t even known the singer’s name!  I come to find out they are all from San Francisco!

death_angel_-_the_evil_divide

Why am I writing all this down?  I don’t know, but it just seems like last month was full of revelations about my life and the way it’s been going, and these little synchronicities kind of clicking into place.  I’ve begun to realize how the people who I’ve let into my life have affected me.  I realize that I should and need to change some things.  And I guess it feels a little prophetic to me to have become a huge Death Angel fan during this time.  Just the way things all worked out the night of the concert– it almost gives it the feeling of “it was meant to be”.  Death Angel was so great in concert that I had to buy their new album – The Evil Divide.  The first song on there is called “The Moth.”  Probably the most inspiring song (to me) on there is called “Breakaway.”

black-witch-moth

Tuesday, October 11, 2016.  I took the trash out and was walking under the car port where I park my car when I suddenly noticed this large, dark shadow on the on the ceiling of the overhang.  My first thought was that it was a bat!  I couldn’t imagine what else would have attached itself there, so large and dark.  So I go in to get a flashlight.  When I come back out and shine the flashlight on it, I see that it is a huge black moth.  It was so big it was scary!  Its wings were slightly tattered in places and it was just so strange to see it.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a moth that big.  I googled it and found out it was a “black witch moth”.  Definitely not something you see every day.

Does anything I just wrote mean anything?  I’m not sure, but I do know that music has played different roles in different times of my life.  Sometimes it inspires me to make a change, many times it uplifts me, and often it helps me get through frustrations in life.  I listen to lyrics and see signs in things and it makes me wonder, and perhaps that wonder is what we are meant for.